I MOVED.

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When everything you do is wrong.

I wish I was wrong.

“When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset.” – Allison Cameron, House M.D.

Happy little accidents.

‘Easier To Lie’ by Aqualung

 

I wish I could think that way- think of everything as happy little incidents.
And I wish I would stop whining.

Refusing all medications right now not because I was told to stop, but because I don’t want a constant reminder that I can’t… I’m weak.

I wish my mind will stop falling ill so often. It is making my body ill too. Diarrhoea, puking… I wonder how long my body can take it. It is such a pity it wasn’t useless enough to shut down completely. If only it did…
Thank goodness (or maybe not) I’ve gotten better already.

Argh. My eyes feel like they are going to pop out. They hurt so bad. :(
I didn’t intentionally screw up my body clock but I just want to sleep when everyone is awake and only wake up when everyone’s asleep. And when I do fall asleep, I end up choking myself awake. Seriously, who chokes on their own saliva in their sleep? It’s so silly. And it didn’t just happen once.

I feel bad for wishing the “easier way out”. I feel guilty for wanting Normal to be something I can write on a piece of paper, chew it real hard and swallow down. Please make Normal for sale.
Or Grip for sale. I need to get a grip.

Laugh it off and let it go.

I need to be careful or I might disappear anytime. That is why I am always screaming and shouting so hard to make my presence known.  So that if I lose myself, others can help me find me back.

It is a bad place to be when you could be breathing but you have no pulse.
On some days you are deaf. On others, you are mute. And sometimes, you are paralysed. I had been there in that terrible place which I still wonder why I had gone there. But reasons don’t matter anymore when I’ve got no energy to find out why.

Everyone knows that things lost might not return in their original conditions. And unfortunately for me, because of mistreatment, it was a damaged self that I found back. So broken it makes me cry in regret.

You so desperately try to divert the pain away. You chew the spoon so hard trying to break it. You bang your head till you get a bruise. You crush your food until they become unrecognisable. You just get so sick without feeling sick at all.

But you start finding things to be happy about.

There is a way around it.
Just don’t be still waters.

The Art of Getting By

“Sometimes I can hear my bones strain under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”
– Jonathan Safran Foer

‘Shot in the Dark’ by Augustana

It is 6:10AM.
I just finished the first season of House and the first episode of Season 2 and am planning to go to bed immediately after this. The reason I had to watch some TV is to allow my mind to have something to focus on because so far, it’s been proving to me that it refuses to listen to commands. It is like a wild… wild boar/dog/chicken that is running like crazy?

My headache and giddiness has gotten really bad, pills I’m still taking seem doesn’t seem to be working so well. I guess may have to go take that “optional” pill I had already given up. Sigh. But I’m thankful that I hadn’t been experiencing that puky feeling quite as frequently now. :)

Go go go.

Paradise.

‘Paradise’ by Coldplay

I just started jotting down my thoughts and reflections in a book last week and so far I’ve been enjoying it a lot. To put it nicely it records my thoughts and reflections. But frankly, it is just a scrapbook with a lot of junk. Junk from me.

Time to eat my pills and wait for the puky feeling to go away.

Like a cult.

I just read an article on Seoulbeats and I’d like to share it. An extremely well-written piece.

“….I mean, netizens (which I think is only a term Koreans use) have driven celebrities to commit suicide. SUICIDE! It really goes above and beyond a social phenomena, it’s like a cult. The entire system is just bizarre and unhealthy. Why are Koreans (more so than other countries) so fixated on celebrities? Why do celebrities have so much influence? I think this is an important issue for not just people in Korea, but for lovers of k-pop culture. Being a fan is great, being obsessive/stalkerish about people you will probably never meet, is not. Let’s not forget what is most important to us and what affects us in our day-to-day lives. There are still taxes to be paid, laws to be passed, and denture adhesive to be scraped off the ground. Who should we be more critical of and hold to a higher standard?”

http://seoulbeats.com/2011/10/influence-of-korean-celebrities-korean-politicians/

To destroy is to create.

I either get no sleep at all, or I sleep too much. I need some balance.

I can’t believe I watched soccer with Dad the whole night since 7pm today and am still watching now (it’s 12:50am). I thought I would get bored after 10mins. But I guess when you keep on eating and talking (sorry Dad, didn’t mean to disrupt you from watching the games) a lot, you realise that soccer matches are really “happening”.
I missed like 80% of the Wolves vs Man City match because it sort of bored me a little, so I went off to sleep for like an hour. I woke up later for supper and for the Liverpool and West B match playing now. :D

LIVERPOOL!

집

I forget. Like the heaps of newspapers and bills in front of my door.

Buried.

“If you seriously consider giving up your passion, it probably means you aren’t passionate enough. If you have a passion you just go.” -Tablo

Fear can hold you prisoner.

Hope can set you free.

People have said “it takes a genius to live a simple life” and that sums up exactly what I came to realise few days back. I’m just too good at creating problems for myself.
Tracing back to the root of the problem, I always find myself to be the one to be blamed. Not a good feeling at all- it feels absolutely guilty to see that others had to carry the burden just because they are seemingly the ones at fault. Things are never black and white and people see what they chose to see. I am responsible for a lot of people’s unhappiness in a lot of ways. And they feel bad for me when they shouldn’t.

I guess I was feeling a little shitty recently but the thing is, I’ve got to move on and not let it become an open wound that would continuously give me hell. I need to let it heal fast. I’m glad I’m “in the process”.

Anyway, I just want to  listen more and talk less. Be there for those who need me especially. People sometimes will never know your intentions unless you can take the initiative to allow them to see your intentions.

Show a little care, you might save someone from suicide. That has now become my catchphrase since god knows when… I shouldn’t use that too often though. It is kind of… extreme, in my opinion.

Yj, if you are reading this, I am happy to see that you could get something out of mine as well as everyone else’s encouragements. Just trying to do the best I can for you. Please please please meet me soon. We are supposed to have a meal together… right? Just give me a call when you are free!

It’s 4:39AM now and I supposed to be asleep because I’ve got really important stuff  (okay, I lied. Not ultra important that sort… BUT still  relatively important) to do on Monday. Let’s just hope I can be alert and ready to conquer the world and stuff.

I’m currently halfway into Season 2 of Lie to Me which stars Tim Roth who was super duper amazing in that awesome show. Aaaaaa, I can’t wait to finish it!

From Kim’s 19th birthday!

Hahaha, the “credit card” people.

Everyone! Yes, it is a picture of pictures.

I’m totally glad that I have now gotten back into blogging. Gosh, I missed blogging.
Truthfully. :(