Happy little accidents.

‘Easier To Lie’ by Aqualung


I wish I could think that way- think of everything as happy little incidents.
And I wish I would stop whining.

Refusing all medications right now not because I was told to stop, but because I don’t want a constant reminder that I can’t… I’m weak.

I wish my mind will stop falling ill so often. It is making my body ill too. Diarrhoea, puking… I wonder how long my body can take it. It is such a pity it wasn’t useless enough to shut down completely. If only it did…
Thank goodness (or maybe not) I’ve gotten better already.

Argh. My eyes feel like they are going to pop out. They hurt so bad. :(
I didn’t intentionally screw up my body clock but I just want to sleep when everyone is awake and only wake up when everyone’s asleep. And when I do fall asleep, I end up choking myself awake. Seriously, who chokes on their own saliva in their sleep? It’s so silly. And it didn’t just happen once.

I feel bad for wishing the “easier way out”. I feel guilty for wanting Normal to be something I can write on a piece of paper, chew it real hard and swallow down. Please make Normal for sale.
Or Grip for sale. I need to get a grip.

  1. znlou said:

    After all that you’ve gone through so far, the fact that you’re still here (argh what a way to put it :( please forgive me) says something about your inner will. And I gotta say, it’s damn strong. You may not know it, but I’m sure sub-consciously something in you is keeping that flame burning. So keep going Val, and one day you’ll break through. Because if nothing’s okay yet, it’s not the end. It may be an extremely long battle so remember to pack some extra ‘supplies’ and if space allows, a few small ‘weapons’ you can use to deal with whatever’s thrown at you.


  2. Valerie said:

    I’m glad to still be here. :)
    And I’m even more happy to know that I’m glad to be here.

    Yay, I will see you soon.

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