‘Easier To Lie’ by Aqualung


I wish I could think that way- think of everything as happy little incidents.
And I wish I would stop whining.

Refusing all medications right now not because I was told to stop, but because I don’t want a constant reminder that I can’t… I’m weak.

I wish my mind will stop falling ill so often. It is making my body ill too. Diarrhoea, puking… I wonder how long my body can take it. It is such a pity it wasn’t useless enough to shut down completely. If only it did…
Thank goodness (or maybe not) I’ve gotten better already.

Argh. My eyes feel like they are going to pop out. They hurt so bad. :(
I didn’t intentionally screw up my body clock but I just want to sleep when everyone is awake and only wake up when everyone’s asleep. And when I do fall asleep, I end up choking myself awake. Seriously, who chokes on their own saliva in their sleep? It’s so silly. And it didn’t just happen once.

I feel bad for wishing the “easier way out”. I feel guilty for wanting Normal to be something I can write on a piece of paper, chew it real hard and swallow down. Please make Normal for sale.
Or Grip for sale. I need to get a grip.

I need to be careful or I might disappear anytime. That is why I am always screaming and shouting so hard to make my presence known.  So that if I lose myself, others can help me find me back.

It is a bad place to be when you could be breathing but you have no pulse.
On some days you are deaf. On others, you are mute. And sometimes, you are paralysed. I had been there in that terrible place which I still wonder why I had gone there. But reasons don’t matter anymore when I’ve got no energy to find out why.

Everyone knows that things lost might not return in their original conditions. And unfortunately for me, because of mistreatment, it was a damaged self that I found back. So broken it makes me cry in regret.

You so desperately try to divert the pain away. You chew the spoon so hard trying to break it. You bang your head till you get a bruise. You crush your food until they become unrecognisable. You just get so sick without feeling sick at all.

But you start finding things to be happy about.

There is a way around it.
Just don’t be still waters.

“Sometimes I can hear my bones strain under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”
– Jonathan Safran Foer

‘Shot in the Dark’ by Augustana

It is 6:10AM.
I just finished the first season of House and the first episode of Season 2 and am planning to go to bed immediately after this. The reason I had to watch some TV is to allow my mind to have something to focus on because so far, it’s been proving to me that it refuses to listen to commands. It is like a wild… wild boar/dog/chicken that is running like crazy?

My headache and giddiness has gotten really bad, pills I’m still taking seem doesn’t seem to be working so well. I guess may have to go take that “optional” pill I had already given up. Sigh. But I’m thankful that I hadn’t been experiencing that puky feeling quite as frequently now. :)

Go go go.

‘Paradise’ by Coldplay

I just started jotting down my thoughts and reflections in a book last week and so far I’ve been enjoying it a lot. To put it nicely it records my thoughts and reflections. But frankly, it is just a scrapbook with a lot of junk. Junk from me.

Time to eat my pills and wait for the puky feeling to go away.