The weakling I’ve come to be.

‘末日快乐’ by Anthony Neely

Maybe the first step is to be honest with myself and stop being in denial of my condition.

Can others understand the feeling of waking up every morning and feeling so scared for the day? Every single morning of mine, for the past 1 and a 1/2 years, has been just that. No, it is not that I’m scared of the things around me, or of people. But I’m scared of myself. It is kind of difficult to put into words but if I have to, it is the fear of my need to constantly push away the thought at the back of my mind that asks me to just “end it all”. And because I find that that possibly signify I’m not having the control of my mind and body and I have to force myself not let myself into any vulnerable situation when I give in to any of those “callings”, and will my body to “fight” it off. I cannot lose hope. At least right now from time to time, I feel like there is hope somehow, somewhere, maybe or maybe not within me. But I mustn’t let go completely like how it has happen in a couple of times and feeling there is not a sense of hope any longer. It is a dangerous place to be. And I cannot, cannot, let myself into that situation. It is a bad place to be in which is like a deep hole, so difficult for me to “bounce back” again.

Can anybody understand the sort of pain a person have to go through crying every day (every single day) without any “rest days”? I wish my body would let me rest and “take on a vacation” and stop doing the things it does. My eyes are going to go blind. I hate that I keep using the same old excuse that I really got sick of- I constantly tell people I watched Korean dramas/movies the previous night so my eyes looked puffy that way (if unluckily, the “crying fit” comes in during night time instead of daytime).
And it is not easy to stop it. The tears would just flow by itself, and there doesn’t seem to be a trigger at all. I could be happily (alright, maybe not exactly happily) eating or brushing my teeth or doing the most normal of things, when there is a sudden urge to cry and right then I would stop it and think about other stuff to shift my focus but then the tears would still just come.

My depression manifests itself in this way: by “debilitating inaction”. I don’t do what would normally be the most basic of tasks like I don’t talk (even if I know I need to speak, I feel that the action is taking up too much of my energy), don’t go outside and don’t respond to anything. It’s not that I go sitting around and think, “life sucks” (my life do not suck, if anything at all. I’m well aware that a lot of other people have it worse than I do, yet they have been so much stronger than this weakling I’ve come to be); rather, my emotions are so dull that I literally don’t feel a thing- I can’t coerce myself to do the simplest tasks no matter how hard I try. It is the “zone-out” feeling that gives me strength to keep going to wherever I’m heading. Zoning out is almost like a safe location I have to put myself in.

Sometimes I ask myself what if I’ll start to believe my depression is an excuse? Because so many times I do feel that if I just worked a little harder, put in a little more effort, I could push past the depression. I don’t like the idea that people might see that (or I realise that) I’m self-handicapping which is what bugs me-the knowledge that this weakness if probably caused by myself.

Maybe I could “will” myself into recovery from depression. Like how sometimes, illnesses actually do improve when someone is in a better mental state. I wish it was just like what most people (including people who know me, but do not know how bad my situation is) think , that it is something I can just “toughen up” and face it and not give in to it.

To be honest, the past two weeks passed by without me knowing. It sounds funny but it’s the truth. I missed my classes every now and then not because I don’t want to attend them. But because there were times I just didn’t seem to recall what time what day it is. I missed this week’s therapy (while I remembered to go for last week’s) without knowing April 13th had passed until the 16th. It is scary to know that two weeks passed like this and tomorrow’s the start of a new one.

My blood pressure also fell so low I fainted once (last Mon) and blacked out once outside for the past week. I did a blood test and am now on supplements for a month to see if my condition would improve. When I still black out (every 2 days or so), I hate that I was wishing deep down in my heart for myself to black out totally and not recover from it. It almost feels like it is a “stop” to everything around me that calms me down which is close to a pleasant feeling.

I really miss the times when I don’t cry over a meal and can eat and talk loudly over my food with people around me. I miss the times when I was trust my family enough. I want to tell my mom when she asks me how am I today that I’m not feeling so good again and not “I’m doing good today. Feeling better!”

So after this, what is the next step?

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