This post is badly organised I know- just chunks and chunks of my thoughts here and there. But that’s exactly the mental state I am in now. If I could organise my thoughts, I really think I won’t even be typing this in the first place.
Basically, I’m still fighting the battle that I pretty much will lose but am desperately trying not to.
I try so hard every day to look the “healthiest” I can. Mentally I mean. I don’t like my parents to worry… I don’t want people or friends to think that I’m seeking for attention, I don’t want people to feel like “there’s something ridiculously wrong about her” or go like “maybe she is bored with her life”. So for the past couple of months, or right from the beginning of 2011, I have willed myself to be stronger and I convinced myself enough to think that all that is happening happens precisely because I’m not strong-willed enough and am such a weakling who cannot face problems as tiny as a peanut. I’m so fragile to an extent it is laughable. I’ve got absolutely nothing to be “depressed” about. It’s funny how come someone who grew up known to people as “optimistic”, “cheerful”, “laughs a lot” can turn to someone, who doesn’t laugh at all not because she doesn’t find things funny anymore, but because she doesn’t feel like she is even a participant in her life.
I just really wish I could tell myself another thing… That even if I admitted defeat, I wasn’t a quitter. Although all I feel is, I am one big fat quitter that couldn’t come up with anything else to defend herself. Occasionally she does, but those times been a long time ago.
I like that my best companion is my own self. But I get this feeling that the very person that robs my life away and make everything such a struggle is me.
Maybe I’m confusing myself too much. I’ll just go sleep since I haven’t been getting much of it for the whole of this week.
Please let all the medication I’m taking work all of a sudden. I know I need to help myself. But I need some source of external help too. I didn’t even asked to be on meds, I was prescribed.
And it worries me because does it mean that I’m losing control?