It is a battle that will never end.

This post is badly organised I know- just chunks and chunks of my thoughts here and there. But that’s exactly the mental state I am in now. If I could organise my thoughts, I really think I won’t even be typing this in the first place.

Basically, I’m still fighting the battle that I pretty much will lose but am desperately trying not to.

I try so hard every day to look the “healthiest” I can. Mentally I mean. I don’t like my parents to worry… I don’t want people or friends to think that I’m seeking for attention, I don’t want people to feel like “there’s something ridiculously wrong about her” or go like “maybe she is bored with her life”. So for the past couple of months, or right from the beginning of 2011, I have willed myself to  be stronger and I convinced myself enough to think that all that is happening happens precisely because I’m not strong-willed enough and am such a weakling who cannot face problems as tiny as a peanut. I’m so fragile to an extent it is laughable. I’ve got absolutely nothing to be “depressed” about. It’s funny how come someone who grew up known to people as “optimistic”, “cheerful”, “laughs a lot” can turn to someone, who doesn’t laugh at all not because she doesn’t find things funny anymore, but because she doesn’t feel like she is even a participant in her life.

I just really wish I could tell myself another thing… That even if I admitted defeat, I wasn’t a quitter. Although all I feel is, I am one big fat quitter that couldn’t come up with anything else to defend herself. Occasionally she does, but those times been a long time ago.

I like that my best companion is my own self. But I get this feeling that the very person that robs my life away and make everything such a struggle is me.

Maybe I’m confusing myself too much. I’ll just go sleep since I haven’t been getting much of it for the whole of this week.

Please let all the medication I’m taking work all of a sudden. I know I need to help myself. But I need some source of external help too. I didn’t even asked to be on meds, I was prescribed.

And it worries me because does it mean that I’m losing control?

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3 comments
  1. znlou said:

    Hey Val, chin up.

    I’m just gonna say what I think, I don’t know how exactly you feel because I’m not you but I’ll try to understand alright? And I hope this will help, at least for the moment =)

    First of all, don’t try to put on a facade to mask whatever you’re feeling within. It often backfires, meaning this will make others worry even more when you don’t let your feelings out, y’know what I’m saying?

    Maybe you don’t even have to try! Perhaps it’s that you think you have to try to look healthy that’s why you find it so difficult. Have you heard of the placebo effect? Like you told me just earlier on, what the mind believes can make a great difference. It can go either way, and now it seems it’s going the wrong way for you. Yes, it is hard to be optimistic especially with the way things are right now but hey, nothing easy is worth fighting for. And in this fight you’d feel like you’re alone. But look around you, your family, your friends, we’re all ready to fight this war with you. Also, to worry is part and parcel of life. Of course we would very much like to keep our loved ones from worrying about us but there’s a limit. No matter what, they’ll still worry. Look, you’re worrying about worrying others yourself! Haha. Can we stop you from worrying? We can’t. But can you stop yourself from worrying? Perhaps to an extent. Because ultimately you’ll still be worrying subconsciously. So whether or not someone is worried is eventually dependent on the worrier himself. Okay, do I make sense? :S

    Next, SO WHAT IF YOU’RE FRAGILE! If everyone is expected to be strong….I can’t imagine what the world will be like. People would be void of emotions (In a way. Can you imagine not feel sadness but happiness ONLY? You won’t be able to fully understand and experience what it’s like to be happy because you’re like that all the time!). Not that I’m saying feeling sad is a great thing but when there’s sadness, there’s bound to be happiness coming after. Even the teeniest bit of happiness, it’s still happiness and it’ll be worth treasuring. Times are hard, but when it’s all over you can look back and tell yourself, “Can’t believe I’ve been through all that, but I did!”. And honestly, I really feel that you’ve grown stronger. Serious perious. You make me feel weak sometimes hahahaha and I really love talking to you because you allow me to look at things in a different light, a more mature perspective and I’ve learnt a hell lot from you. You inspire me. Truly.

    Also, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have time alone. Everyone does. And like you’ve always told me, you have the right to your own life. You make your own decisions according to how you feel and not to please others. You live your own life, so you are not robbing your own life away but ‘customizing’ it to your own needs….well, that’s how I see it.

    Your medication will work. Because you know you don’t need it.

    Onwards Val! I’ve my armor on, sword and shield ready whenever you are.

    ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

  2. Valerie said:

    Seriously, thank you so much. I learn a lot from you too. From how you are so carefree, so positive. I really look up to you a lot.

    There are so many things that is sort of difficult for me to explain so naturally it is difficult for people to understand.
    I’m still working on it. I’m trying but I don’t think I will ever give up. Cause someday somehow, I will get over all of those.

    Thanks for the encouragement and your constant support all these while since last year. I really appreciate all of that. ;)

  3. znlou said:

    The last part sounds like a speech for getting an award! xD

    We’ll be there working hard to understand you too. Jiayou!

    Cya on monday ;) heh

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