Growing up, giving up.

“Think of all the beauty around you and still be happy”

Taken by Yc on the day we went USS.

I was sitting down in my room reading a book and then all of a sudden I realised that tomorrow will be the last day of 2010.
:(

 

And no matter how excited I am to face the new year, I just thought it would be a good idea to reflect how the year has been for me. Perhaps all I wanted is so I could feel a sense of “closure” to everything that has happened and be even more ready to move forward.

I had a hard time typing all of these without tearing.
But I know I had to.
People might say it is exaggeration, how could things have been so bad? But seriously, they don’t know.

Maybe I can’t say that 2010 has been a very good year for me, but I’m pretty sure it has been good enough.

The struggles I faced in 2010 has given me a chance to see what my priorities are in my life. Whether certain things are really that worth pursuing. It also made me realise the possibility of my mind to make me do the stupidest of things- I was determined to jeopardise my health for my studies. I thought if anyone worked hard enough, they could get anything.  It is true that people will see results if they work hard and will not if they don’t. But I neglected the importance of being in the right frame of mind. I thought my fears were “normal” and if anything, a challenge that was meant to get me. And like how I would want to do things, I could try my hardest to force my way out of these fears. Or so I thought. Obviously, I ended up with a screwed up mind and body. My emotions (fears and worries) got the better of me. Waking up, eating, speaking, sleeping and just staying awake, alive, became too difficult. Like I lost a battle and was ready to bleed to death slowly. I gave up my life. Completely.
I was a worry to my family.
And I felt like I was a burden to myself even though I had then lost all my ability to “feel” something.
Unfortunately, I still haven’t been able to let myself look at this past without a slightest bit of fear and anxiety. But I think it might get better, but even if it doesn’t, I know I don’t care about it anymore.

This year, alright, maybe even throughout the 18 years of my life (but without knowing), I had been obsessively worrying about what everyone else would see me as. I felt that since I wasn’t getting any approval from anybody (2010, being an exceptionally rough year because I wasn’t “making it in life”), why am I here for? I was willing to let myself die slowly. In my own way. By controlling everything.

I’m hoping that each day in the coming year would give me a chance to find out more about myself and learn even more every single day.

Suffering from depression and anxiety disorder in 2010 was by far the most difficult point in my life. I’m fortunate to not have experienced anything worse.
There is no guarantee there can be no relapse, just like there is no certainty in life.

Towards the later end of 2010, part of me died when I was determined to put something down, giving it up. But I soon discover the plus points, a better vision and somewhat a motivation in life.
It was nothing but comforting.

I hope everyone will have an amazing day on the last day of 2010! :D

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2 comments
  1. Yc said:

    You are the bravest friend I ever have.

    • Valerie said:

      Hey Yc! OMG you’re here :O LOL
      I hope 2011 will be a great year for you! Even though I have only known you for 4 years (and counting…) I feel like I’ve known you forever. I hope we still keep supporting each other along the way years to come. :D
      I’m your bravest friend? You’re the yanci-est friend! ;)

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