First Post.

Finally moved from my old vvvalerie.wp because I felt it will be good to have a “fresh start”… :)

I’m reeeeally glad that I’m recovering really quickly, especially this week. I could feel and see the difference. So I hope all of these will last. I cannot bear to see people worry about me any more so, got to keep it up and work harder.
And I’m also medication-free! :)

I hadn’t particularly been honest to everyone, excluding people from TJ (they would have known that I was missing), because I have been assumed to be still attending school all along. But honestly, I hadn’t been going to school since August (!!!) because I was on a long-term medical leave due to my condition (nothing serious, just depression and anxiety disorder). Anyway, I had been receiving psychiatric treatment and am seeing my psychologist weekly on Tuesdays since the beginning of September. So… more or less, it will help in various ways. The reason I didn’t go about “announcing” to everyone is because obviously, people will get worried and also because I didn’t feel like repeating myself over and over, AND because I don’t see it as like a real serious problem. To be honest,  when you are in my state, you think missing the Prelim exams is nothing because you couldn’t even go to school already, so do you even have the time to think about exams?

Anyway, I need to explain the part on why I couldn’t go to school. It is not like I was a slacker and skipped school. (I know I kept telling people I ponned school…) While it might be true for one in ten cases (hahaha, maybe one in se…ven?), but most of the time, I was either genuinely physically sick, or I couldn’t get out of bed because of the medication my GP gave. I was taking those medication since beginning of the year (like in Feb or March?) and an additional pill only in like June/July.. They basically make my tensed muscles relax and the other was to help me sleep or some sort by making me feel almost dizzy. But the side effects were crazy. I couldn’t feel my muscles at all and felt completely strength-less. Hence, I couldn’t get up from my bed in the morning, I couldn’t hold a pen properly, neither could I stand for too long (and on top of that, my hands sometimes shake quite badly). And missing school frequently also equates to not being able to catch up as much. So… It adds up to the stress I already had, making things much worse. (it’s like I can’t already take in anymore schoolwork, and me not turning up for classes… just makes it a whole lot worse)
There were also a lot of other med that I take for my migraine that comes regularly. The migraines I experience most of the times  are so terrible  that I always have difficulty seeing (like blackouts or white specks of stuff.. just really bad vision). It’s really scary because I thought I literally was going to die.
It’s traumatising. Really.

For that stretch of weeks and weeks of “resting” (when I didn’t need to go to school, except for that one time to see the school counselor), I did a lot of healthy-living stuff like eating well, sleeping well (it still isn’t working out but there has been improvement), playing/exercising well… etc.

There were some horrifying things that happened to me, which I never thought could be possible… I mean, people will just say it is plain exaggeration and things like that… But they happened and pretty much shocked even me a bit. Things included crossing the road during red light because you didn’t know what you are doing yet you can’t help it. Like when I was at the traffic light, I feel like I am not there. Okay, too hard to explain. I also cry all the time: in the morning, brushing my teeth, during meals, at night before sleep, for NO reason. And it is not like wailing or stuff like that, tears will just flow like mad and you cannot stop them. Like the more you want to tell yourself to stop tearing, it almost backfires.
Another horrifying thing was I couldn’t talk periodically for one of the weeks because my chest was so freaking heavy I literally can’t speak. It is like you want to, but you can’t. It felt like you are dying to speak, but then it is too much for you already… But if you do, like I actually finally did talk to my mom finally, I ended up in tears.

I was literally like “mad” where your emotions take control of you.
I lost appetite and ate slightly lesser… Was still eating but snacked less and couldn’t take as much rice as I used to… Zn, the school counselor and my doctor asked if I lost weight though I didn’t feel like I did. And on top of that, I feel nauseous when I study and at random times such as just eating or watching the TV.

During the times I went to the hospital (they gave me my MC first because I was hysterical (am not exaggerating, it surprised me as much) when they start talking about school. Hence, I SO needed to have break from school). They then said I was diagnosed with depression and am really really, okay, more like overly anxious hence, needed anxiety management.

I could talk more, but have been talking very quickly, too quickly, according to my doctor. Of course, not all the time, only sometimes when I was “too eager to talk”. Plus, I could also eat more, a lot more in fact, such that I’m going to need to go on a diet pretty soon.
Bottom line is, I’m a lot better. And am going to get even better. :D

Thinking about the times I was suffering from all the crap… Everything was really scary and I don’t wish any of that to happen again and I hope to never have to return to that state. But I don’t blame myself for not being able to prevent all that from happening… Sometimes, you just cannot control everything in your life. Things will happen, but at least you are aware and took charge to help yourself. And I think that’s good enough :)

So I was thinking, if I don’t live my life joyfully, I rather not live at all and give the life to someone else who values it more, who can bring more happiness and warmth to the world.

I’m really much much MUCH better now, thanks to my parents who had been so supportive that I could not ask for more, my friends who still talked to me on the phone (some msged me every single day) or meet up with me for meals frequently even though you all are either preparing for or in the middle of Prelims… THANK YOU so much because depression and anxiety and all that crap isn’t going to just go away if I handle it all by myself.

Hopefully, my fear that all of those emotions returning will lighten each day~


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